LOS ANGELES—Reaching an extraordinary milestone in his quest for longevity, 45-year-old tech billionaire Bryan Johnson announced Thursday that his penis was finally as small as a baby’s. “Harnessing the power of biohacking, I’ve managed to shrink my penis from adult to prepubescent and, finally, to infantile,” said Johnson, who gestured toward his undescended testicles, explaining the remarkable achievement only cost him several million dollars. “My dick is small, even smaller than a peanut. In fact, it’s in the bottom 0.2% in size for all newborns. I also have the desire to nurse, but that’s nothing new.” At press time, Johnson announced that if all went according to plan, he would soon be nothing but a cluster of cells.
